wait (on) for me - a summary.

photo: (c) 2009 carmina foto (www.carminafoto.com)

1. walking through the bar and catching the eye of a beautiful girl at nearly every table. the good fortune of tables of beauty. the good fortune of a moment of quiet in the storm of nightlife. all the possibilities that momentarily exist.
2. middle aged women busting out of tight shirts. love handles and protruding bellies. bits of hips creeping over the edges of jeans meant for girls half their age. the white/pink lines caused by the weight of needing to be sexy at all costs. i drink them up.
3. the tiny thing serving me drinks at the show. a moment when everyone has cleared out and music plays, her end of the box we’re in is empty and cast by a red green glow of unknown origin. she sits, right leg up on a stool, arm on knee and looks out into the crowd. I am stopped full for just a second. it’s possibly the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen. and then its gone. as a man shuffles up she leaves her self and becomes a bartender again. now complete it surpasses the previous beauty all the more.
4. that model girl whose body i can’t even fully comprehend sitting there. we’ll never meet because i can’t bring myself to be another guy following her ass around. i’ll watch her quietly for a time.
5. standing looking at nude photos on a wall while the real woman from them walks up and smile hello to you. i haven’t seen you in a while. she’s naked before me, clothed before me. i see her hips and nipples. i see her sweater, her shoes.
6. that too young girl smiles at me as i walk past her on the bus.
7. that waitress who looks too long. she’s got dimples and curves and long curled hair but the only part of her that interests me is how she’s interested in me. she asks me later if my daughter is my girlfriend. they are the same age.
8. my girl in that incredibly soft shirt she has. she’s making food for people and i’m watching her move. wishing we weren’t here. wishing she was naked beside me.
9. i’m leaving and she comes and puts her arms around me and tucks her head into my chest. I kiss her sweet plum head and wish everything we shared could be that simple.
10. the girl in the window with the entire sun as her own personal hair light. how her features suggest a sweetness that maybe never existed and how i wish i could know that sweetness.
11. golden french curls from behind. a thousand shades of gold and red-brown. an infinite pattern of beauty that moves and shakes with her anima.
12. the gay boy who was prettier than most women. but lacked any real sexuality.
13. our waitress, her long lashes, nearly perfect body which argues in gods favour. the strange brew of chemicals that are released when you find someone so physically flawless. questions raised in protest against the satisfaction of just watching the line from her waist to her hip. this is nothing why should it feel like it’s something transcendent.
14. a naked girl in a see through raincoat. oversized black frame glasses and dappled breasts that lay in ways the magazines will never allow breasts to lay. she speaks jarmusch lines and this only adds to her mystery. I think i’d write an entire film just to squeeze her nude scenes in. I’d muster the will of hundreds of talented people just to be around her body and watch it for a few scenes.
15. the frustrations of binding yourself in some way to a woman and the delicate violence of the wants and needs that creates. the heavy feet you wear just to stamp those needs down into manageable things. the art that falls out your ears from all this unused desire.
16. the simple joy of seeing someone you’ve thought about naked the first time. understanding their shadows and curves. their flaws, defects, and unexpected perfections. how marvellous it is we are constrained by clothes keeping questions we have to work our way through the complexities of personalities to find the answers to.
17. the simple sight of a the curves of a woman’s ass and the energy it calls to life. a will with no means.
18. the curve of her waist to to hip. the fine roll just above a back. a shock of hair. unexpected tattoos and understanding the mechanics of modern bras for the first time again. how they cheat and lie so mercilessly for what?
19. desire that wells up with no place to go.
20. the strange understanding that desire isn’t sex. that it has no natural end point. sex is just a way to distract oneself. tire oneself out. but it does nothing to alter or diminish the source of desire. desire is an unsolvable problem.
21. the wish that the above was less true. that the obstacles of life, situation, availability, were not just lies we tell ourselves prevent us from satisfying desire. they are window dressing.